The Problem With Pyromaniacs An Essay
by Radioactive Ferret
Summary: Iroh writes an essay covering the main problem with Firebenders today: Pyromania. Click. Read. Be educated.


Ferret: Hello! Okay, I'll admit it! Everyone is OOC in this fic, but I was really bored and wantd to write about pyromania, so... look what the cat dragged in. So yeah, I don't own Avatar, yada yada yada, please enjoy!

* * *

The Problem With Pyromaniacs….

_When hearing the words 'fire benders' or 'Fire Nation', what's the first thing one might think of? War? Ruthless soldiers? A psychopathic prince with a tendency to burn everything that moves and some things that don't? A wild-goose-chase with the Avatar? A sadistic bitch princess, who has never revealed to me why she hasn't grown scales and turned into her inner spitting cobra yet? All of the above? Any answer is correct. But, what many people fail to guess is the topic of this report: The ailment that affects nearly every fire bender in the Fire Nation. The explanation for the increased forest fire rate. The reason I keep a fire extinguisher under my bed._

_Pyromania._

_Simple enough, really. Yet, however simple it may seem, it is quite surprising (in my expert opinion) how often it is overlooked. Why, I myself didn't even recognize the most obvious symptoms until I read up on it. I was quite shocked to realize that nearly everyone in my family suffers from it! I may be the only sane one---_

* * *

"Uncle Iroh?" 

"Shit!" swore the aforementioned, shoving his report under the mattress as the door opened. "Uh… What brings you here---?"

"Why are you sitting alone in your room, laughing your ass off?" While the former general searched for an answer deep in his mind, Zuko suddenly got what Iroh had come to call "the look" on his face. Confusion, disgust, and 'oh, god, don't tell me; I don't want to know'. "Oh my god!" shouted Zuko, getting the entirely wrong idea. "Ew, nevermind, nevermind! Sick!" And he left, slamming the door.

"You have no faith in my character, Prince Zuko," muttered Iroh, still in fits of giggles.

"I can hear you!"

Rolling his eyes, Iroh picked up his pen again.

_

* * *

_

_Wave a lit candle in front of their face. If they (a) shrink back (ex. Katara), that is normal. If they (b) swipe at it in boredom (ex. Sokka), that too is normal. See that they are not too careless around open flames, or their shirtsleeves may get burned. If they (c) follow it with their eyes and begin to drool profusely (ex. the Avatar- Aang), then they may have a mild case of pyromania. Burn ointments and aloe vera are always good to have on hand. But, if they (d) snatch the candle from your hands and bend the flame into a giant pelican HELL-BENT ON EATING YOU (ex. Prince Zuko, among others), then they are without a doubt a full-blown pyromaniac. Not only do they seriously need to see a shrink, but fire extinguishers must always be at hand. I recommend at least twelve in each room. If they (e) torch the candle with a blast of their own fire without so much as acknowledging your presence (ex. Princess Azula), see either PMS (if female) or Mood Swings (if male)._

_Light off a firework. (Remember, if you suspect you may be dealing with a class D (Zuko) or class E (Azula) pyromaniac, proper protective gear should be worn at all times. Light the firework. If they are a class A (Katara) pyromaniac, they will likely smile, or say something along the lines of 'pretty'. If they are a class B (Sokka) pyro, they will ask why you dragged them out of bed at midnight five weeks before the New Year's celebration. If they are a class C (Aang) pyromaniac, they will most likely jump up and down in glee, then fly after it and try to catch the sparks. As stated previously, have burn ointment ready. If they are a class D (Zuko) pyro, you should be wearing your protective gear before even approaching the firework stand. This class of pyromaniacs will definitely feel the need to "spice up" the fireworks by torching them as you approach with the lighter. They seem to find this oddly hilarious. Maybe burnt flesh smells good to them; I don't know. In the case of a class E (Azula) pyro, my advice is to not even bother them in the first place. I would normally advise this with the Zuko pyros, but they're just too much fun to piss off._

* * *

Iroh was giggling again when he got that strange chill. You know the one. That chill that seems so out of place on such a hot and humid afternoon… like someone is right behind you, glaring with malicious intent. "You wanted something, Prince Zuko?" asked Iroh airily. 

"Tell me," he began in a falsely sweet voice (that somehow managed to come out as sarcastic), peering over his uncle's shoulder. "Have I ever ONCE bent a candle flame into a… oh, how did you put it?… 'giant pelican hell-bent on eating you'?"

"Ah, you saw that, did you?" the general laughed nervously. "Ah, well, you see…"

"And… HEY!" continued Zuko. "I am NOT a psychopath who burns everything that moves and some things that don't!!"

At this point, Iroh just couldn't resist getting on his nephew's nerves again. "Well, you don't burn EVERYthing that moves…"

**

* * *

**

"Well, would you look at that!" exclaimed some random old woman in an unknown village 50 miles away. "Looks like a volcano's erupted!"

"Nonsense, woman!" replied her husband. "That's not too far away from us. We'd feel the earth shake! Must be the Fire Nation invading!"

"No, it's not." Another woman rolled her eyes. "Listen." They obeyed. It was quiet at first, but then….

The first woman cocked her head. "Did one of you say something?" The other two shook their heads. "I coulda sworn I heard something like _'get back here so I can blast you, motherfucker, just you wait til I get these chains off OH WILL YOU BE SORRY THEN'_."

"No, it sounded like _'I'll untie you eventually, so calm down before I throw you overboard to cool off. Seriously, you need to get laid'_," replied her husband.

"You're both wrong. It sounded like _'THIS IS MUTINY, YOU RAT BASTARD! I'LL KILL YOU! …hey, what're you…? HEY! Let go! AAAAAUUUGGGGHHH!!!! -splash- I hate you, Uncle'_."

After a moment's silence, the three shrugged and went back to work.

* * *

Back on the ship, Zuko had (wisely) decided to leave his uncle alone and plot elsewhere (and maybe find some dry clothes). Iroh smiled contently as he wrote: 

_Monitor their behavior patterns to the following stimuli; poking (careful what you poke them with. Do not use your fingers.), practical jokes (I recommend the 'feather and whipped cream' joke), hunger, and birds with attitudes (Pigeons work well. My personal favourite). _

_Stimulus A – Poking: This can generally be one of the most annoying things to ever happen to you. Poke the victim in various places. First, the shoulder. You know the joke: Poke the shoulder opposite from the side you're on, and make them think someone's there. It's quite irritating. Katara class pyromaniacs are often quite gentle, and will laugh when they realize it was you. If they feel extra friendly, they might poke you back. Sokka class pyromaniacs will look around for whoever is poking them, and only after you pull the prank five times will they get it. With Aang class pyromaniacs, they will poke you back twice as much, and then some. Let's hope you aren't ticklish. Now comes the tough part. Zuko class pyros generally have nasty tempers, and will most likely shoot flames from every inch of their bodies in hopes of burning whoever's behind them. If they can't do that, they will either reach back and break your finger, or they will bite it off if their hands are otherwise bound. Wear steel mesh and leather gloves before attempting this. The same could be said for Azula class pyromaniacs, except instead of breaking your finger; they will break your neck._

_Stimulus B – Practical Jokes: If you have ever been on the receiving end of a practical joke, you will know that it is not a very pleasant experience. I have arranged a few practical jokes on all of our __victims__ test subjects (some of these are crueler than others…). I have taken one pyromaniac from each classification group A-E; Katara, Sokka, Aang, Zuko, and Azula, respectively. Let us look in on them, shall we?_

_For Katara, I have done a simple prank—I have placed her bra in the snow. We'll probably have to wait until morning to see her reaction, though…_

* * *

A few miles from the ship, Aang, Katara, and Sokka were sleeping peacefully. Slowly, Iroh crept up behind Sokka, and sprayed whipped cream all over the sleeping boy's hand, then pulled out a large feather. He mentally added this to the 'Top 100 Ways to Anger Prince Zuko' list. Barely breathing, he ran the feather across Sokka's face. 

SMACK-SPLAT!

"Whoa, what the…?" spluttered Sokka, sitting up quickly. "What happened?"

"Sokka?" muttered Katara groggily. "What's wrong?"

"What's this white stuff?" exclaimed Sokka, trying to wipe the whipped cream off his hand.

"What white stuff?" yawned Aang. "You mean the snow?"

"No, this sticky stuff! It's all over my hand and---WHAT?" He directed this last part at his sister.

"Oh my god, Sokka! You woke us up for _that?_" she exclaimed, sounding disgusted.

"That someone put something on my hand and tricked me into swatting my face? Yes! Who knows who it could've been?"

"Sokka, I'm not stupid," smirked Katara, rolling her eyes. "Just listen to yourself. You're saying that some random person just came over here for no other reason than to fill your hand—mind, this is your RIGHT HAND; your dominant hand—with some strange creamy white sticky substance, then ran off."

"Yeah." Sokka nodded. Katara continued to smirk. Suddenly, the elevator went all the way to the top. "Oh, hey, wait a minute! That's not what happened!"

"Oh, suurreee…" Katara giggled, while Aang looked entirely confused.

"I didn't—I don't—Aang, help me here, would ya?"

"What is that stuff?" Aang asked curiously, crawling over to where Sokka lay.

"Aang, don't!" laughed Katara. "It's—"

"No it's NOT!" shouted Sokka, face going entirely red. "I told you, it's NOT!"

"Hmmm…." Aang dipped his finger into the whipped cream. "It smells… sweet."

Katara lost it. With a shriek, she fell backwards, rolling on the ground with laughter. Tears steadily flowed down her cheeks as she laughed, but Sokka and Aang were getting annoyed.

"Katara, it's not… you know…" blushed Sokka.

Aang stared at the whipped cream for a moment, then experimentally popped a finger into his mouth. Katara shrieked in laughter again, face going crimson from lack of air. "Hey!" exclaimed Aang, smiling. "This tastes really good! Do ya have more?"

"A-Aang, do you even know what that IS?" gasped Katara, still in helpless fits of giggles.

"Uhhhhh…. Don't think so…."

"It's some sugar cream or something!" exclaimed Sokka angrily, tasting the whipped cream.

"Bullshit," replied Katara. "Aang, have you heard the story of the birds and the bees?"

"Yup!" said Aang, nodding proudly. "Zuko explained it to me."

"He WHAT!" choked Sokka, as Katara began laughing again.

"Yeah, apparently I was bothering him by asking him why his mother even married a jackass like his father anyways, and why she couldn't have just had him without his dad."

Sokka arched an eyebrow. "aaaaannnndddddd…… what did he say?"

"Well…" for a moment, Aang paused. "at first, he didn't say anything. Then he just gave me some weird look as if he was saying 'my god, how stupid _are_ you?' So I asked him what _that_ was all about, and he said a kid _can't_ exist without two parents at one point."

"Did he go into detail?" asked Katara in a singsong voice.

"Uhh, he didn't explain much until I bugged him for another hour. Pretty much all he told me was this…" he made a lewd gesture with his hands. "…and I have no clue what it means." Sokka and Katara's jaws dropped. "Oh, and this…" he made yet another gesture, this one more vile than the last. "And…. What's a pussy?"

Sokka's eye twitched. "You poor, deprived soul!" he gasped. "Katara, explain."

"What! Why me?"

"Cuz…. You're the girl, and thus, would know much more about this."

"Oh, ha ha, but Sokka, you spent SO much time with the sailors… you MUST have heard their stories!"

"Will someone _please_ explain what cats and chickens have to do with babies??"

"Okay," sighed Sokka finally. "It's like this…"

Needless to say, Aang had a WAY bigger vocabulary the next morning.

And, Iroh had an idea. Yes. General Iroh had a WONDERFUL, awful idea!


End file.
